1 DPO? not sure

So you'd think after ttc for more than 6 months I would be able to pinpoint ovulation by now but it's just not that easy. It seems that clomid is really throwing all of my cycles out of wack. One is never the same as another, not my ovulation day and not my luteal phase. What's frustrating is my luteal phase should be pretty constant but one month it was 14, then 12, then 15..it's so frustrating! I'm pretty sure I O'd yesterday but must have missed the surge because I had all the signs and symptoms and was miserable all day. Tons of ovary pain and even nausea. My temp dropped 2 days ago and is now rising but is still way below my pre-O temps which is odd but I'm not really feeling any pain today, just some achiness and fatigue. My hubby left for work Friday morning so we bd'd early that morning and I did the softcup thing all day. So FX and prayers that I really did O yesterday and we still have a chance. I'm starting to feel like we never will. With the clomid always making everything later and longer it seems I'll ALWAYS ovulate smack dab in the middle of the week he's gone which will never ever work out UGH! I'm gonna discuss it with my obgyn the next time I call and see if he has any suggestions. I try with his nurses but they seem to be totally clueless as to how all this works, they don't even know much about clomid. So getting my actual message to my doc without actually seeing him seems to NEVER happen. I'm sooo tired!

Well enough complaining about that. I went to a baby's funeral Sunday. My friend from highschool lost her baby boy in utero. I think it was because of her pre-eclampsia and diabetes but I'm not for sure. But it was sooo sad. Such a tiny casket. All I could think of was the tiny baby inside and what she must be feeling. I can't even begin to imagine that kind of pain and I hope I never have to.

On other fronts, working on remodeling the house. Painting the living room this week I hope, bathroom next week, then kitchen. The kitchen and bath will be a nightmare. There's 10 years of wallpaper and paint on those walls and I am NOT going to paint over it. The previous owners put some horrible texture on the kitchen walls, I can't even fathom what they were thinking. It's a deep red satin and its shiny and hideous. Oh, I can't stand it! The more we work on this house the more I think, why the heck didn't I notice all this crap before we bought it?? Oh well, hindsight 20/20. All we can do is move forward and hope we can get it in decent sellable shape before we grow out of it.

Guess that's all for now. Another boring post, I know!

Waiting to O

Well it's Tuesday. Only 2.5 days until hubby leaves for work again and our last chance to "try" before I ovulate. According to FF, I will O on next Monday but I think it will be earlier. Mainly because I took clomid earlier and last month I O'd on day 13 so I'm praying for cd12 this time! Which would give the "little guys" 2 days to get there and be ready for the egg. Oh the agony of waiting once again.

My back is killing me. There's this burning pain to the left of my spine in a huge spot just over my left SI joint. It's like someone put a hot iron directly under my skin and it just flares up whenever and always unexpectedly. I hate it! My left hip is out again. I don't think I shared my bad back episode from last weekend. On the Sunday before my period started, I cleaned my mom's house for mother's day. Well I did some cleaning but it was cut short by my inability to move. Knowing what was coming next, I cried and tried my best to move and keep moving so I wouldn't get stove up. Well, that didnt work. I spent the rest of the night in agonizing pain that I could do nothing about. I had no pain meds, no nothing. Needless to say, Monday morning I headed off to the Dr to get a steroid shot. That's the only relief once I get to that point. But since my period had not shown up, I refused the shot just in case and they gave me an Rx for pain meds. I hate pain meds. They make me sick and give me a headache. But I couldn't risk imposing risk on a baby if there was one (which of course there WAS NOT). So I headed to my chiropractor the same day and she worked wonders! As soon as I got off the table I could put weight on my left leg and walk straight without waddling and leaning. So what's happening is, my left SI joint, being slightly damaged over the years and from giving birth to my son, tends to slip out of place every now and then. Sometimes it's just a dull ache and I only know it's out because I can't take even strides and tend to waddle slightly. Other times it's like all hell broke loose on my entire left side and moving, sitting, standing, laying down are all excruciating positions. It sucks! And for all these years I assumed it was my disc re-rupturing and causing all the pain when it was really my SI joint that was the culprit. Great...one more thing to have surgically repaired and worry about when I'm pregnant. Oh joy! Well, I know what I'm up against. I'm afraid, of course. I know that ligaments loosen and everything starts hurting more during pregnancy. So I'm not looking forward to that part of it but when and if I get my BFP, I know it will be worth all the pain in the world on the other end of that 9 months!

Sorry for the boring post but that is what today is. Boring. Like most days. So it wouldn't surprise me at all if no one reads these things but oh well. It's my therapy.

3rd Round of Clomid

Well here I am again, yet another round of clomid. This time I'm doing the 50mg days 3-7, today is day 7. Also going to try preseed, softcups, and mucinex (last month cm was nonexistant). Fingers crossed and lots of prayers that I ovulate on Saturday instead of Sunday or Monday. Hubby will probably leave Thurs night :-( sob... I am just so discouraged and down at this point I almost want to give up. But every time I see a baby or a pregnant belly the fire is fanned once again. I'm soo tired of disappointment and knowing that there's no possible way for us to be together the day that I ovulate because of his work schedule and now once again because my cycle lasted 2 extra days last month. I can't even describe how frustrating it is!

I've decided to plan a vacation. My counselor I've been seeing (will update on that too) thinks I need one. I know I need one. Have for a long time considering I haven't had a real vacation in several years. We've gone on weekend trips but never anything far away or more than 2 days so a 4-5 day vaca somewhere either in the mountains or on the beach sounds really great! And hopefully I can time it around my next clomid cycle (praying I won't need another one!) and if that one doesn't work we'll move on to IUI. And what's so crazy and downright unfair is that if our schedules were straight, we would have already conceived by now so having to do IUI will be so nerve-wracking!

This last week was my second appt with the counselor. Can't say I'm seeing any progress but maybe that's just because I'm only in my second week! I'm not totally comfortable with her, it's kind of unnerving because I almost feel like she's judging me because I'm a Christian. She, btw, is supposed to be a Christian counselor but I'm not sensing that she is a christian, just that maybe that's something she's qualified to do is give objective christian advice even though she doesn't share the faith. I dunno. Maybe I'm just reading that and I'm mistaken but I'll keep going until I feel that I can't anymore. I'm hoping next week will yield some progress.

Well that's all I have for now. sigh...I'm so enthused can you tell??

15 DPO, CD 1...She crashed the party

Here we go again. Just when I had a glimmer of hope, the bitch crashed the party! My normal LP is only 12 days long, now it is 14 days long. I had no clue and no warning she would show up 2 days late. But it figures! Just when we were getting around to ovulation happening on the day my husband leaves or the day after, wonderful ole' clomid throws my LP off and pushes everything back again. I'm about at my wit's end really. Is it just not meant to be? I wish I could understand and I wish I could control these things but I can't. I'm tired, frustrated, and sad, and did I mention tired? Tired of this rollercoaster of emotions and it's just ridiculous! Sorry for my rant but I have nowhere else to rant so I might as well do it here.

Another "sucky" event happened Sunday. I trashed my hip and back cleaning for my mom and could barely walk (had to get out the old trusty walker, that's always fun). Went to the dr. yesterday, missed work, and had them do a pregnancy test since I was already 2 days late but it was negative. And my silly self refused the steroid shot they wanted to give me for the pain and said "no, there's still a chance!" so I probably looked like an idiot. So I took my script for pain pills and went to my chiropractor to have her force my hip back into place which is never much fun either. But the relief was amazing. I could put weight on both legs and could walk upright so that was awesome. Still very sore from all the inflammation but huge difference from Sunday. Now I got to work this morning, turned to get out of the car and might have just messed it up again. So looks like I might be making another trip to the chiropractor. Fun and games!

So here we go again. Another cycle, setting up for disappointment. Feeling pretty cruddy today but I guess I will push on. I better go look up some encouraging verses and repeat them to myself for the next 4 weeks and keep praying.

12 DPO temp still going up

Today should be 13 dpo and I should have AF today according to FF but if my calculations are right it's only 12 dpo. Strange things going on with me today, my temp is still high, cervix still high, no AF symptoms whatsoever. Sort of getting my hopes up but not too much because I wanna be prepared for another letdown! My chart is triphasic which I've heard is good but not a definite indicator so if I start spotting this afternoon I will know AF is here. My LP is usually 12 days long (according to FF, not counting O day and AF start day) and I usually start spotting the evening before AF shows up so just waiting. I am going to buy a Hpt today and hopefully get to use it tomorrow! Took one on 9 dpo that was negative of course. With my son, I didn't know I was pregnant until I was already 8 weeks so my first test I took was at the 8 week mark. So I have no clue how early Hcg will show up if I'm pg.

Going to take photos today of a good friend and her bf. Hope that keeps my mind off obsessing for a little while. It's also very rainy so I hope it clears up by this afternoon. Any other day I looove rain but I wanna get this photo shoot done today. Mostly so I can go back to being lazy lol. I've been sooo lazy this last week, I have no energy to do anything and don't want any at this point. I don't know why. I went to see a counselor on Thurs so I've taken the first step in getting some sort of treatment for my anxiety. It was a really rough evening having to dredge up the past so that night I didn't sleep well and I was bummed out all yesterday just because once I bring something back to the surface it's hart to push it back down again and not think about the pain. 

Anyway, I guess I better run and start getting ready for the photo shoot and put my brain back into some pattern of normalcy for the day so I can get this done! 

Piggers :-)

Just wanted to share my sweet nephew! He is 3 months old (his mommy is my sis who is expecting another!) and he is a doll. He's got the fattest little cheeks and the fattest little thighs..oh I could just gobble him up he's so precious!

Ohhh the cuteness!!

CD 23, 9 or 10 DPO

Well I'm not sure if I'm 9 or 10 dpo today, started looking at my chart on fertility friend and I think it may be wrong. It says I O'd on Sunday (Cd 13) but I was in alot of pain on Monday and that was the first day I got a negative OPK so my gut tells me I O'd on CD 14 so today should be 9 DPO. The compulsion to test this morning was too strong so I tested...BFN. Of course, I didn't expect anything. My hopes are resting on the fact that most people don't get a BFP until 11 or 12 DPO or later.

No significant symptoms to note really. No breast pain, no cramping. My temp is still rising (98.1 this morning) but I know it can rise until the day before or day of AF then drop so I'm not getting too excited yet. My CP is high and soft (sorry if tmi) which is not normal for me but again, could mean nothing. I should start on either Saturday or Sunday if I'm not pg. I'm really expecting the witch to show up..boo

Well we went and saw the new Avengers movie yesterday. It was so good! I'm not usually one for super hero movies but my hubby and son wanted so bad to see it I gave in. And wow was I impressed! What was even cooler was there was no cussing and no sex scenes at all! Who says a movie can't be good without all that other crap? lol It was awesome! But the whole time, someone was sitting a few rows up that had cologne on and that's all I could smell the whole time and it drove me nuts. I kept wanting to think "Maybe it's preggie sense?" lol but that's probably wishful thinking.

Sorry to be sort of negative today...I don't like this waiting game and each month that goes by gets harder and harder. My best friend encourages me so much and says she knows we're getting close that it's going to happen soon and I love her so much for always being so positive! I know that if I'm having a down day I can send her a text and she will always reply with something positive :-) love my soul sister! Well I'm off. Lunch soon and I am starving to death!

CD 21, 8 DPO

Bored, bored, and bored. Sitting at work, another Monday, ready to fall asleep. So I thought I'd do a post to pass the time. Today is 8 DPO, also CD 21 so I go for another Progesterone test. I'm pretty sure it will be great because my temps are still rising and I know my temps stayed low the month my progesterone was too low. Yesterday I noticed I was super thirsty all day, still pretty thirsty today too. When I start drinking anything, I gulp it down like I'm never going to get another drink again lol. Hope that's a good sign! This 2ww has definitely been different. Today my left hip hurts like crazy, has been hurting since Saturday and my lower left side of my abdomen feels strained, like a muscle being pulled. It's really annoying. I'm craving hard boiled eggs, like I have always loved boiled eggs but this week I just want em every day! Another weird thing is my ears get really hot. Like last night, I was driving and had the air on full blast with my face right in front of the vent, I could not get my ears and sides of my face to cool down. So weird...

Well other than those crazy happenings, I'm just really tired and sleepy. I want a nap so bad I can taste it! Wondering why we can't have regularly scheduled nap times every day after lunch! I've heard in some other countries, they have a mandatory "nap time" each day in addition to a lunch break. How awesome is that!? And they are more productive for it! I would think so! Oh, I wish I could take a nap....

Do you ever just get into a funk and feel like you don't want to do anything at all? I'm normally an OCD freakishly busy person that can't sit still for anything. But for the last couple of months, I have no desire to do anything. Like right now, I could so be organizing my files and getting stuff put away..but I don't feel like it. At home, I have to force myself to clean house. If I let myself get too comfy in my recliner, there's no chance the dishes get done. I'm just that tired. I don't know if it's a sign but considering it's been going on longer than the last week, I think it's just me. Depression maybe? I dunno, but I hate it. Maybe I need to exercise or something. If I can possibly drag my lazy but to the gym and use the membership I've been paying for for months and not using, maybe I'd feel better. Eh, maybe...maybe not. 14 DPO hurry up and get here!

CD 19, 6 DPO

Been a few days since I've posted, but I haven't had a whole lot going on. The only noteworthy symptoms I've had are sciatic pain, alot of af-like cramps, and right now some very strange tingling in my index and middle fingers on both hands (carpal tunnel?). I decided that symptom spotting was sort of a waste of time since progesterone rising causes most of them and when it drops right before AF, those symptoms go away, no matter how much they felt like pregnancy symptoms. So I don't feel like I can really rely on the symptoms I do have, even though they are sort of different from last month. I've also stopped taking my Met.formin. It was making me so nauseous all day and it was fooling me into thinking I had morning sickness but turns out it was the medicine. I've also felt very lethargic this week, napping in the afternoons and just being tired in general. I don't know how much of that is just that my hubby's been gone all week and I fall into the doldrums or if it's something else. But, like I said, not going pay too much attention to it.

I start counseling sessions next week. I've come to the realization that my anxiety issues are just too much for me to handle on my own anymore. I've always been a "worrywart" but as of this last year, I tend to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Like, I feel I'm responsible for everyone else's life being "ok" and I feel like I have to find a way to make sure all of our children grow up as moral and Christ loving people. I know that I am not responsible for that, I contribute to it by being an example and sharing wisdom with them when I can, but it is ultimately God's decision to save them. "No man can come to me unless the Father, who sent Me, draws him, and I will resurrect him on the last day" John 6:44. So yes, I know I am not responsible for their salvation. But for some reason, knowing that doesn't stop me from worrying if I don't give them the right verses or explain the Bible to them and God's will to them just right, they will never find Christ. It's a burden I am not called to bear but my brain blows everything out of proportion. I'm extremely sensitive and tend to "dwell" on things that are out of my control. I hate it. It's not fun and I don't want to feel this way anymore. So, I'm going to see a Christian counselor this week and find out if it's some deep rooted psychological issue from my childhood or if I have some weird chemical imbalance. And of course, I'm praying about it. God's answered some big prayers for me lately which is so amazing so I will continue to "pray without ceasing". He is bigger than any mountain I may face and I believe that with all of my being.

So, here I go, through my second week of the TWW. This oughtta be fun right? :-) We shall see...