So good ole "Arthur" has come around again...not fun. I think I mentioned in one of my early posts that I have an unidentified autoimmune disorder. It's spondyloarthropathic (there's a fancy word I wish was not in my vocab) in nature but that's all they know for now. As such, it will end up being one of 4 specific AD's: Crohns, Ulcerative Colitis, Psoriatic Arthritis, or Ankylosing Spondylitis. Sounds fun right? Well so far, it's caused my toes to look like huge red and purple sausages and the soles of my feet feel like I've been stepping on rocks and my ankles swell up. Thankfully that's all..so far. It had gone into remission with sulfur drugs and stayed that way after I stopped them last yr to start ttc. Everything got so much better! But it's gradually coming back. It starts with one toe then another and another until the only footwear I'm capable of wearing are flip flops. Good thing it's summer lol it wasn't so fun in winter wearing them! Well, this means I have to either go back on my meds and halt ttc for however long it takes to go away again or hope I get preggo soon. Supposedly, pregnancy tends to make autoimmune disorders go onto remission but they almost always flare up immediately after delivery. I'm gonna take my chances with pregnancy! I've been trying since October of last year, I refuse to put it on hold now! So anyways, that's what's going on there.
As for anxiety, it sucks!! With k gone this week, its worse of course. As for FF..she's not much of a friend this week! I guess my temps are wacky cuz I'm not on clomid this month so charting is getting frustrating. My temp finally went way up this morning which should have triggered crosshairs on my chart but they r nowhere to be seen. I guess maybe my post o temps just aren't high enough yet for FF to tell me when O was. Nonetheless, I know it was either Fri or Sat just judging by my ovarian pain. Still crampy today but nothing major. Oh this waiting. I know I say that often! Well, bye for now, will be back in a few days I'm sure :-)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Either 1 dpo or 4 dpo..CD13
Oh this clomid free month is really confusing me! I usually have pretty clear ovulation temps with Fertility Friend but not so much this round. Pinpointing ovulation has become so difficult with clomid. Well I guess it would be difficult without it as well since I have PCOS and don't O regularly on my own.
Here's my chart:
My Ovulation Chart
See the two day temp dip on CD9 and 10? On those two days my cervix was high, soft, and open. I didn't have much cm but since being on clomid I never do anymore. I had a lot earlier in this cycle but it seems to come and go and is very unpredictable. I did OPK's but I'm terrible at doing them consistently and twice a day so every one I've taken has been negative. I had some twingy pains on the evening of CD10 but nothing major. Then yesterday I had tons of pain, like my ovaries felt huge and swollen. Sitting down too hard was excruciating! Today, not so bad but still achey. SOOOO, by my calculations and past experience, I think I O'd Friday or Saturday at the latest. If that's true then WOOHOO! This could be our month! Hubby left Friday for work so that would make our timing perfect! If nothing else, it may have shortened my cycle back to where it used to be and we'll be on schedule next month to O before he leaves. That was my goal of taking a month off. I've GOT to get O to happen before he leaves! It doesn't help that he's always leaving for the night shift so we have to bd early in the morning which doesn't always work out well. He's sleepy and too tired to care, I'm rushing to get to work...all that makes for not so promising bd'ing.
Ever feel like this whole TTC thing is too much, too complicating, too stressful, just plain crazy!? I guess it wouldn't be so bad if my husband didn't work 5 1/2 hours away from home every other week. If that weren't a factor I'm sure we would be preggo by now. Crazy how life works out like that. The first month we get clearance to start trying he gets sent out of state to work. UGH it's so tiring and frustrating! Sorry to vent so much but I've just reached that point.
Here's my chart:
My Ovulation Chart
See the two day temp dip on CD9 and 10? On those two days my cervix was high, soft, and open. I didn't have much cm but since being on clomid I never do anymore. I had a lot earlier in this cycle but it seems to come and go and is very unpredictable. I did OPK's but I'm terrible at doing them consistently and twice a day so every one I've taken has been negative. I had some twingy pains on the evening of CD10 but nothing major. Then yesterday I had tons of pain, like my ovaries felt huge and swollen. Sitting down too hard was excruciating! Today, not so bad but still achey. SOOOO, by my calculations and past experience, I think I O'd Friday or Saturday at the latest. If that's true then WOOHOO! This could be our month! Hubby left Friday for work so that would make our timing perfect! If nothing else, it may have shortened my cycle back to where it used to be and we'll be on schedule next month to O before he leaves. That was my goal of taking a month off. I've GOT to get O to happen before he leaves! It doesn't help that he's always leaving for the night shift so we have to bd early in the morning which doesn't always work out well. He's sleepy and too tired to care, I'm rushing to get to work...all that makes for not so promising bd'ing.
Ever feel like this whole TTC thing is too much, too complicating, too stressful, just plain crazy!? I guess it wouldn't be so bad if my husband didn't work 5 1/2 hours away from home every other week. If that weren't a factor I'm sure we would be preggo by now. Crazy how life works out like that. The first month we get clearance to start trying he gets sent out of state to work. UGH it's so tiring and frustrating! Sorry to vent so much but I've just reached that point.
Friday, June 22, 2012
O where O where is O?
Yep, waiting to O yet again. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm not on clomid this month. My doc seems to think there's still a chance since he's seen many women stop clomid and turn up preg the next month but I'm not going to get my hopes up! Hubby is leaving today so this morning was last chance to bd for this cycle. I kept thinking yesterday that today might be O day because my temp dropped, my cervix was high soft and open but I didn't really have any cm. At the start of this cycle, right after af, I had tons but now it seems to have disappeared again. Then this morning my cervix is high but firm so that has to mean O's not here yet. I know it's only day 10 but on unmedicated cycles, I usually O on 10 or 11 so I was praying that this month that would happen. I might still have a chance if I O tomorrow or Sunday but any later than that is too late. I really really hate the waiting. Both before O and after, the seemingly endless waiting drives me insane!
Other than waiting for O, nothing new is going on. It's been a fairly uneventful week and now that hubs is gone this next week will be even slower. Really missing my nephew J. Sis is in Kentucky with her hubby and about to go to Michigan for 4 weeks. That's a long time to go without getting some snugglin from my lil piggers. Of course it makes me long even more for my own but at least I get to enjoy him when he's around and he is so much fun! BTW sis seems to be doing ok after the mc. She's sick this week so that worries me but there's nothing I can do for her so far away. Just pray and hope she's ok, physically and mentally.
Guess I better go do some work (o joy) and hope this day goes by fast. Hope this weekend goes by fast and O shows up soon! Fingers crossed, toes crossed, eyes crossed and lots of prayin! God bless ya'll!
Other than waiting for O, nothing new is going on. It's been a fairly uneventful week and now that hubs is gone this next week will be even slower. Really missing my nephew J. Sis is in Kentucky with her hubby and about to go to Michigan for 4 weeks. That's a long time to go without getting some snugglin from my lil piggers. Of course it makes me long even more for my own but at least I get to enjoy him when he's around and he is so much fun! BTW sis seems to be doing ok after the mc. She's sick this week so that worries me but there's nothing I can do for her so far away. Just pray and hope she's ok, physically and mentally.
Guess I better go do some work (o joy) and hope this day goes by fast. Hope this weekend goes by fast and O shows up soon! Fingers crossed, toes crossed, eyes crossed and lots of prayin! God bless ya'll!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Clomid free month
I am on CD 7 of my "clomid break" and I have to say there are some changes. For the last three months on clomid, I've had 0 cm, like it was nonexistent. When before clomid, I could always count on it to let me know when I was nearing O or past it. So far in the last 5 days since my period ended, I have had a whole lot of it. Nothing eggy yet but the fact that there's cm gives me hope that this month we won't have the no ewcm problem we've been having! Other than that, I've had alot of ovarian pain but everything else is pretty hunky dory. I'm not moody, I'm freaking out over little stuff waaay less and I just feel better in general. Not sure what the ovary pain is about and I can't really remember having it this far away from O date but maybe I'm going to O sooner? That's been my prayer this cycle, I HAVE to O sooner for us to catch the egg since my husband works out of town every other week. My doc confirmed that clomid can sometimes delay ovulation and this has been the case with me. I've also heard of those that have long cycles and O very late can O earlier in their cycle with clomid. This is the opposite with me. Before clomid, I was O'ing around cd10 or 11 and after clomid it's gone out to as far as cd19 and cd14 at the earliest. It has also lengthened my LP from 12 days to 15 days. Another problem since that pushes O back too for the following cycle. Sooooo our hopes are that this month without clomid, I will O a bit sooner and have a slightly shorter LP. If we can achieve that, we can at least know that next month we will be a day or two closer to Oing while he is still home.
Our next cycle is to be with clomid, estradiol, and procheive (progesterone suppositories). He gave me a schedule to go by that sort of goes like this: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-9, Procheive days 10-either BFN or if BFP to 10 weeks gestation. Since low progesterone has been my issue in the past, the procheive ensures that the progesterone stays high enough to support the pregnancy through the first trimester. The Estradiol is supposed to help with the uterine lining since clomid is notorious for thinning it out too much. If we are still not preggo by then, we will go to IUI. An IUI without a trigger. That's what I'm worried about. If there's no trigger then it's very hard to know exactly when I'll ovulate so I'm kindof aggravated that he won't trigger. His explanation was in the obgyn world, if you use one injectible you have to use them all and his office doesn't do any type of injectibles since they are not fertility specialists or RE's. They also do not monitor anything which is another thing that worries me. But oh well, he's all I've got and all I can afford. To get in with the only RE in town, I would have to get on a 6 month waiting list and my insurance would not pay a dime for any of it. I want to get pregnant but I just don't have the funds to go down the RE road to get there. So faith and prayer and a little help from my obgyn is all I have. Let's hope it's enough! If it's not, then apparently it's not God's will for us to have a baby right now and while that saddens me to think of, He knows best and has a reason that I may or may not ever know.
Our next cycle is to be with clomid, estradiol, and procheive (progesterone suppositories). He gave me a schedule to go by that sort of goes like this: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-9, Procheive days 10-either BFN or if BFP to 10 weeks gestation. Since low progesterone has been my issue in the past, the procheive ensures that the progesterone stays high enough to support the pregnancy through the first trimester. The Estradiol is supposed to help with the uterine lining since clomid is notorious for thinning it out too much. If we are still not preggo by then, we will go to IUI. An IUI without a trigger. That's what I'm worried about. If there's no trigger then it's very hard to know exactly when I'll ovulate so I'm kindof aggravated that he won't trigger. His explanation was in the obgyn world, if you use one injectible you have to use them all and his office doesn't do any type of injectibles since they are not fertility specialists or RE's. They also do not monitor anything which is another thing that worries me. But oh well, he's all I've got and all I can afford. To get in with the only RE in town, I would have to get on a 6 month waiting list and my insurance would not pay a dime for any of it. I want to get pregnant but I just don't have the funds to go down the RE road to get there. So faith and prayer and a little help from my obgyn is all I have. Let's hope it's enough! If it's not, then apparently it's not God's will for us to have a baby right now and while that saddens me to think of, He knows best and has a reason that I may or may not ever know.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The Unwelcome Birthday Gift
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So today's my bday, oh joy..#28. Creeping up on 30, hard to believe! And as a gift, the witch showed up! Happy Birthday to me..I kept thinking yesterday I should have started then but got my hopes up and thought wouldn't it be awesome to get a BFP for my birthday? No such luck, of course!
So on to another cycle. This time my obgyn wants to do a "procheive" cycle and I'm not sure what that means. I know prochieve is a progesterone suppository but I don't know how it is to be used to help conception. Not sure if I want to do clomid again. Since my cycles keep getting longer and longer, delaying ovulation and lengthening my LP, my chances of catching the egg are getting slimmer each cycle. I can't keep going like this or it won't happen. I'm going to ask the nurse when she calls me back about not doing clomid this time and just using procheive to see if maybe I O sooner and my LP goes back to some kind of normalcy. If I could O at least on day 13 or 14 instead of day 15 or 16, within 3 months it would fall before DH leaves for work. So's the delimma..it's really not easy trying to make mother nature cooperate with our timing! Maybe God's telling me to stop trying and just wait. I'm not good at waiting. The more I wait the more hopeless it all seems!
Oh well, nothing to do but hurry up and wait! In the meantime, I will take today as an opportunity to have a giant Mocha Frappe with tons of caffiene and enjoy some cake.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Waiting for AF...again
It's a Monday, that's for sure. Came down with a cold this weekend and it is kicking my butt today! Also woke up to a big temp drop which means AF is sure to come knocking. I totally expected it though. I tested yesterday and of course BFN. Every cycle I fool myself into thinking "maybe this is it!" but logically, I know it's not. We were so off schedule this month and I knew that even though my obgyn assures me the sperm can live for 5 days, that's just not realistic from all the intense research I've done on that. 3 days maybe, but it seems that after that any that are left or no longer healthy. According to FF I ovulated on a Tuesday, according to my calculations it was that Monday. But either way, it was too late. It's always too late! Don't know what we are going to do...at all. There's almost nothing we can do. I feel like doing a couple of un-medicated cycles just to see if I ovulate sooner and my LP goes back to 12 or 13 days but then again, what if that puts me back at square one? Or, should I ask for BC to change when my cycle starts? I don't know and it's really hard to get any input from my obgyn without making a consultation appt. and paying for it because I'm pretty sure at this point my insurance is going to start denying everything. They've already denied all my progesterone draws which is money I have to come up with. I knew we wouldn't be able to conceive without putting a lot of money in though, this is just the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid. Next step will probably IUI which is Waaaay more expensive than my $9 clomid scripts and I'm praying we don't have to go that far.
On other fronts, well, there aren't any. All of my life revolves around ttc and it seems nothing else is happening! Well, a very sad thing happened last week that we were expecting to happen. My sis finally lost the baby. She was told there was no heartbeat about a week 1/2 ago and they said she would miscarry any day. She texted me on Sat and told me she was really sick and didn't know why. I had a feeling it was due to the miscarriage since I've heard you can get flu-like symptoms with it. She said she thought she passed the placenta the day before but she has to go back to the Dr. this week to see if there's anything left. How crude is that? Any"thing" left. I hate it. I hate thinking of it and it's one of my biggest fears. What if I have to go through that? I can't imagine it but I know it happens to so many. My heart just aches for those that have faced m/c and loss of a baby. No matter how small. And here I am, whining and having a pity party because I can't get pregnant. When I start thinking of things like that, like knowing so many get pregnant only to lose it, I start feeling really bad and guilty. But I know that does no good. We are all in a journey, where we are on that journey is where God has allowed us to be. And while this point in my journey feels absolutely awful right now, there are so many others who feel worse. Either because they have endured it longer or have experienced loss or have had to face the realization that it can't happen. I have to choose to be thankful for where I am and rejoice. It's so hard but it is a choice that I can make.
~Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..James 1:2~
BTW, a big HELLO! and WELCOME! to my 1 follower! I didn't think I'd ever have any so I'm sooo excited you've joined me and I will continue to follow your journey and pray for you as well! :-)
On other fronts, well, there aren't any. All of my life revolves around ttc and it seems nothing else is happening! Well, a very sad thing happened last week that we were expecting to happen. My sis finally lost the baby. She was told there was no heartbeat about a week 1/2 ago and they said she would miscarry any day. She texted me on Sat and told me she was really sick and didn't know why. I had a feeling it was due to the miscarriage since I've heard you can get flu-like symptoms with it. She said she thought she passed the placenta the day before but she has to go back to the Dr. this week to see if there's anything left. How crude is that? Any"thing" left. I hate it. I hate thinking of it and it's one of my biggest fears. What if I have to go through that? I can't imagine it but I know it happens to so many. My heart just aches for those that have faced m/c and loss of a baby. No matter how small. And here I am, whining and having a pity party because I can't get pregnant. When I start thinking of things like that, like knowing so many get pregnant only to lose it, I start feeling really bad and guilty. But I know that does no good. We are all in a journey, where we are on that journey is where God has allowed us to be. And while this point in my journey feels absolutely awful right now, there are so many others who feel worse. Either because they have endured it longer or have experienced loss or have had to face the realization that it can't happen. I have to choose to be thankful for where I am and rejoice. It's so hard but it is a choice that I can make.
~Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..James 1:2~
BTW, a big HELLO! and WELCOME! to my 1 follower! I didn't think I'd ever have any so I'm sooo excited you've joined me and I will continue to follow your journey and pray for you as well! :-)
Thursday, June 7, 2012
9-10 dpo..To Test or Not to Test?
Getting closer and closer to AF day but not close enough! Just watched a youtube vid of a new mom w/PCOS who got her BFP yesterday at 10dpo. Watched one yesterday of a BFP on 11 dpo. Wondering if I should test tomorrow? I'm still unsure of my O date since FF says it was one day later than I thought it was but my OPK strips didn't work well for me this time. I don't know if the one I though was positive really was or if I missed the surge so I'm sticking with what my gut says which makes today 10dpo. Probably hopeful thinking but with not much hope to be had around here, I'll take it!
Another boring day at work by myself working extra hours with no work to do. Sooo I'm just trying to fill up the hours until quittin time. I soo need a vacation! Not sure where to go though. Was thinking Memphis which is not too far away, or Missouri or Gulfport. Not sure if I want to hang out in the mountains or on the beach. Tough decision! One way or another, gotta go somewhere before I go stir crazy!
Anyhoo, not much to say. Still playin the waiting game.
Another boring day at work by myself working extra hours with no work to do. Sooo I'm just trying to fill up the hours until quittin time. I soo need a vacation! Not sure where to go though. Was thinking Memphis which is not too far away, or Missouri or Gulfport. Not sure if I want to hang out in the mountains or on the beach. Tough decision! One way or another, gotta go somewhere before I go stir crazy!
Anyhoo, not much to say. Still playin the waiting game.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
7-8 dpo and Restless
This TWW thing is getting old! At some point you get tired of analyzing symptoms and scouring the internet for others who got BFP's and have your exact symptoms. I know I've reached that point. I woke up today sick with a cold, throat is killing me and I'm exhausted. Wait, I've heard cold symptoms could be a sign! ugh, I'm even annoying myself now! lol
But that's where I am...discouraged, tired, fed up...why am I so negative lately? I guess it's God's way of saying "See where you get when you rely on your plans and your timing?"...nowhere. I am used to getting things done the way I want them done and when I want them done so maybe this is Him teaching me a much needed lesson. Well, like a disobedient child, being taught a lesson is usually not fun!
Nonetheless, we'll keep on chuggin along and facing every obstacle as we come to it. Here's my symptoms so far:
1dpo: nothing, just lots of pain from O
2-5dpo: heartburn, backache
6dpo: fatigue, heartburn, feeling down
7dpo: fatigue, feeling down, stressed out
8dpo: sick with sore throat/cold, headache, nausea (not sure what from), fatigue, feeling down
But that's where I am...discouraged, tired, fed up...why am I so negative lately? I guess it's God's way of saying "See where you get when you rely on your plans and your timing?"...nowhere. I am used to getting things done the way I want them done and when I want them done so maybe this is Him teaching me a much needed lesson. Well, like a disobedient child, being taught a lesson is usually not fun!
Nonetheless, we'll keep on chuggin along and facing every obstacle as we come to it. Here's my symptoms so far:
1dpo: nothing, just lots of pain from O
2-5dpo: heartburn, backache
6dpo: fatigue, heartburn, feeling down
7dpo: fatigue, feeling down, stressed out
8dpo: sick with sore throat/cold, headache, nausea (not sure what from), fatigue, feeling down
Friday, June 1, 2012
Very sad day
Well, we found out yesterday that my little sister is losing her baby. No reason why but I feel like maybe her body just wasn't ready to carry another one so soon after giving birth. But it's still so very heartbreaking. I can't imagine being in her shoes and dealing with that kind of pain. I hope I never have to. So if you pray, please pray for her and her husband as they go through this.
As far as my own issues go, ovulated on Tues according to my FF chart which really really sucks! I was hoping it was Monday but my temp shift indicates Tues so that means we are out again this month. I'm so done with this frustration. I'm trying my best to just not care. It's not gonna happen apparently. Yes, today I'm a glass half empty kinda person. Usually I'm more optimistic but after so much disappointment over and over and over again, I'm not feeling any hope.
As far as my own issues go, ovulated on Tues according to my FF chart which really really sucks! I was hoping it was Monday but my temp shift indicates Tues so that means we are out again this month. I'm so done with this frustration. I'm trying my best to just not care. It's not gonna happen apparently. Yes, today I'm a glass half empty kinda person. Usually I'm more optimistic but after so much disappointment over and over and over again, I'm not feeling any hope.
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