Monday, June 11, 2012

Waiting for AF...again

It's a Monday, that's for sure. Came down with a cold this weekend and it is kicking my butt today! Also woke up to a big temp drop which means AF is sure to come knocking. I totally expected it though. I tested yesterday and of course BFN. Every cycle I fool myself into thinking "maybe this is it!" but logically, I know it's not. We were so off schedule this month and I knew that even though my obgyn assures me the sperm can live for 5 days, that's just not realistic from all the intense research I've done on that. 3 days maybe, but it seems that after that any that are left or no longer healthy. According to FF I ovulated on a Tuesday, according to my calculations it was that Monday. But either way, it was too late. It's always too late! Don't know what we are going to all. There's almost nothing we can do. I feel like doing a couple of un-medicated cycles just to see if I ovulate sooner and my LP goes back to 12 or 13 days but then again, what if that puts me back at square one? Or, should I ask for BC to change when my cycle starts? I don't know and it's really hard to get any input from my obgyn without making a consultation appt. and paying for it because I'm pretty sure at this point my insurance is going to start denying everything. They've already denied all my progesterone draws which is money I have to come up with. I knew we wouldn't be able to conceive without putting a lot of money in though, this is just the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid. Next step will probably IUI which is Waaaay more expensive than my $9 clomid scripts and I'm praying we don't have to go that far.

On other fronts, well, there aren't any. All of my life revolves around ttc and it seems nothing else is happening! Well, a very sad thing happened last week that we were expecting to happen. My sis finally lost the baby. She was told there was no heartbeat about a week 1/2 ago and they said she would miscarry any day. She texted me on Sat and told me she was really sick and didn't know why. I had a feeling it was due to the miscarriage since I've heard you can get flu-like symptoms with it. She said she thought she passed the placenta the day before but she has to go back to the Dr. this week to see if there's anything left. How crude is that? Any"thing" left. I hate it. I hate thinking of it and it's one of my biggest fears. What if I have to go through that? I can't imagine it but I know it happens to so many. My heart just aches for those that have faced m/c and loss of a baby. No matter how small. And here I am, whining and having a pity party because I can't get pregnant. When I start thinking of things like that, like knowing so many get pregnant only to lose it, I start feeling really bad and guilty. But I know that does no good. We are all in a journey, where we are on that journey is where God has allowed us to be. And while this point in my journey feels absolutely awful right now, there are so many others who feel worse. Either because they have endured it longer or have experienced loss or have had to face the realization that it can't happen. I have to choose to be thankful for where I am and rejoice. It's so hard but it is a choice that I can make.

~Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..James 1:2~

BTW, a big HELLO! and WELCOME! to my 1 follower! I didn't think I'd ever have any so I'm sooo excited you've joined me and I will continue to follow your journey and pray for you as well! :-)

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