Sausage Toes..what is that you say? Oh just a lovely symptom that comes along with my mysterious autoimmune disorder that makes my toes turn into giant lobster looking sausage digits. Yes, it sounds funny. But believe me, it's anything but. Imagine breaking almost all of your toes at one time and trying to walk around with them feeling that way for months on end. Yep, that's what it feels like. And looks like. Except they aren't black, just very reddish purple and huge. The ones that are swollen (which right now would be on left: big toe, third, and pinky. On right: big toe, middle and third.) make the ones that aren't swollen look emaciated and flimsy. Lol, almost like the swollen ones are sucking the life out of the ones that aren't. It sucks. But I have to find a way to laugh at myself or I'd cry. I'm flopping around in flip flops every day, limping, and looking downright goofy (in my opinion). And the worst part, I can't take anything to make it stop. As soon as I told my rheumatologist we wanted to ttc, he took me off all my meds that made the awful sausage toes and swollen ankles go away. It stayed in remission for nearly 9 months. But, now it's back with a vengeance. So my only option is prednisone. Short doses (7 days) at a time. Will it really help? Probably not as much as I'd like but all this pain is worth it to me if we are able to get pregnant.
As for our ttc stuff, at 5 dpo my temps are flatlining. I've been a solid 97.7 for the last 5 days. Which is really weird. Will it mean anything? Probably not. But again, all I can do is wait and see, not too much hope, not too much despair. Just trust that God's working out something amazing. Which reminds me of my doctor I saw today about my arthritis. She was so sweet and told me to just remember that God's timing is always so perfect and so amazing!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
3 dpo...reflecting
Well today is 3 dpo (I really hope!) according to Fertility Friend. This O was a bit strange because last month I never actually got a +opk but I attributed that to not testing regularly or twice a day. This time, I got +opk's for 2 days straight. BUT, on the second day, my temp shot up and I had tons of O pain. I hurt so bad just moving and every time I sat down it felt like my ovaries were being smashed (swollen maybe?). So I'm wondering if you can ovulate while the surge is still occuring? Or would the pain be post-O? I dunno. Then yesterday, some slight cramping but nothing like the day before. And my temps have stayed up since then so FF says I O'd on Saturday which would mean we bd the day before (hubby left for work Fri) but was it enough? It's so hard to bd the day he leaves because it's always when he goes back for the night shift and has to leave that Friday morning so we have to bd in the morning which is not easy for either of us. We're not in the mood, we're tired, we're cranky. Just doesn't bode well for successful bd'ing. Oh well, we shall see. If not, at least next month we are one day closer to ovulating while he's still home. Last month I O'd on the Monday after he left, this time was Saturday, very good! (If FF is right).
I'm in the middle of a big debate with myself. Last night before bed I read a scripture about when the Isrealites were in the wilderness complaining to God that they were tired of eating the manna, they wanted meat. So because of their groaning and complaining, God said ok, you want meat? You'll get meat. And tons of it. So much that it will make you sick. And that's what happened. So am I like them? Groaning and complaining and praying for a baby when I should be thankful for what God's already given me? What if He does the same with me? What if I get pregnant and then realize, oh why did I pray for this? Not that it wouldn't be a blessing. It would be a huge blessing! But with my body being the way it is, autoimmune disorder and a back and SI joints that are completely trashed, will it be too much for me to handle physically? I have 4 stepchildren. Will having one more in the house when they are over prove to be too much and push me into a nervous breakdown? See what I'm saying? You've heard the saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it". I'm very afraid of feeling that way once I get what I've been praying for. Unless He says "no" and it doesn't happen. That will be hard to take too. Before we were told we needed to start trying now and not later, I wasn't that worried about having another. For years I've said "we've got too many as it is!" and didn't want another. But the minute I was told I might not get the chance, boy you better believe my biological clock kicked in gear! From that point on, all we've done is pray and try and pray and try and beg and plead and we stay disappointed over and over again. Now, I'm thinking maybe I just need to let go. Maybe God's waiting for me to just let it be and let Him decide what happens. So that's what I'm going to try to do. Stop obsessing, stop crying, stop getting angry, stop begging. Leave it in His hands and hope that if He chooses to bless us with another child, He will get me through the pregnancy. I know that sometimes God makes us wait for something for a very good reason. It may just be that if I had gotten what I wanted right away, something terrible would have happened. I have to believe there is a reason we are in this struggle. Maybe that reason is to draw us closer to Him and strengthen our trust in Him instead of putting all our faith in ourselves that we can make it happen on our own.
I'm in the middle of a big debate with myself. Last night before bed I read a scripture about when the Isrealites were in the wilderness complaining to God that they were tired of eating the manna, they wanted meat. So because of their groaning and complaining, God said ok, you want meat? You'll get meat. And tons of it. So much that it will make you sick. And that's what happened. So am I like them? Groaning and complaining and praying for a baby when I should be thankful for what God's already given me? What if He does the same with me? What if I get pregnant and then realize, oh why did I pray for this? Not that it wouldn't be a blessing. It would be a huge blessing! But with my body being the way it is, autoimmune disorder and a back and SI joints that are completely trashed, will it be too much for me to handle physically? I have 4 stepchildren. Will having one more in the house when they are over prove to be too much and push me into a nervous breakdown? See what I'm saying? You've heard the saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it". I'm very afraid of feeling that way once I get what I've been praying for. Unless He says "no" and it doesn't happen. That will be hard to take too. Before we were told we needed to start trying now and not later, I wasn't that worried about having another. For years I've said "we've got too many as it is!" and didn't want another. But the minute I was told I might not get the chance, boy you better believe my biological clock kicked in gear! From that point on, all we've done is pray and try and pray and try and beg and plead and we stay disappointed over and over again. Now, I'm thinking maybe I just need to let go. Maybe God's waiting for me to just let it be and let Him decide what happens. So that's what I'm going to try to do. Stop obsessing, stop crying, stop getting angry, stop begging. Leave it in His hands and hope that if He chooses to bless us with another child, He will get me through the pregnancy. I know that sometimes God makes us wait for something for a very good reason. It may just be that if I had gotten what I wanted right away, something terrible would have happened. I have to believe there is a reason we are in this struggle. Maybe that reason is to draw us closer to Him and strengthen our trust in Him instead of putting all our faith in ourselves that we can make it happen on our own.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
O day
Thinking today is O day! Really hoping anyway. Got my first +opk yesterday and started cramping and bloating. Amazed I'm ovulating still without clomid! K went to work yesterday so it would be awesome to O today. But again, not expecting anything at all. We've reached a point where we are just indifferent. My arthritis in my feet is making walking so difficult and I know if I don't go see my rheumatologist soon, it's just gonna keep getting worse. Which means I'll be back on all my meds and have to stop ttc. I don't want that at all but
I don't know what else to do. Ahh well....that's life, we make all these plans but only God knows what will happen and it will be in His time, not ours.
I don't know what else to do. Ahh well....that's life, we make all these plans but only God knows what will happen and it will be in His time, not ours.
Monday, July 16, 2012
CD 7 and Diet
Once again waiting on ovulation but I know I'm still days away. I've been doing some research to find out what foods are good for fertility. I have to admit, my diet is awful. Last year I lost near 30 lbs. on phentermine (a type of amphetamine prescribed by my dr. for weight loss) but of course gained it all back after getting off of the medication. It was too easy, I was never hungry so losing weight wasn't a problem. But I cannot go back on that medication and do not want to because, well, it doesn't do any good to lose then gain back. I think I have tried everything including weight watchers (which was great but could not keep up with meetings) and I cannot seem to find a good way to really change my eating habits and my eating lifestyle. I can't get up the will power and stress over ttc is not helping at all.
My biggest problem: sugar. I crave it day and night like a drug addict. And really, that's what it has become, an addiction. I honestly don't eat a whole lot of regular food, my meals are modest and I usually get full pretty fast. But when it comes to sweets, I will eat them like crazy. And I don't know how to stop! Now, I DO NOT sit around all day stuffing candy bars and twinkies in my face. I don't even keep things like that in my house at all. I'm more of a sweet tea, pie for desert, cereal before bed type person. I can manage myself ok for most of the day (except for lunch when I will have a Dr. Pepper) but at night, that's when it gets ugly. We may have a modest supper, lean meat, veggie and a starch. But I usually have sweet tea (more than one glass) and crave some sort of sweet after dinner. Which always leads to sugary cereal before bed. It's become a habit, and a very very bad one! I have no idea how to get off of the sugar craving roller coaster and I know that it's affecting my ability to conceive. If anyone has any pointers, please leave me some comments! I'm desperate guys!
As for the research I did, it was all the usual "eat whole grains, colorful veggies, stay away from caffeine, nuts, healthy oils, etc.". So I know what I'm supposed to eat, how do I get my body to like those things? While I don't eat a whole lot in general, comfort foods are what we cook around my house. I'm southern and grew up on mammaw's spaghetti and cornbread, beef stew, porkchops with rice and gravy, that kind of thing. Which aren't so great in the "low carb" and "low calorie" department. I do eat veggies like spinach, peas, squash, etc. But not nearly enough of them. There are just alot of veggies that I can't stomach. Especially all the fancy veggies that I can't even pronounce that I see on TV every day when there's a cooking show on preparing some gourmet meal. Well, guess I will just have to eat more of the ones I do like.
So here's to healthier eating and some exercise. I'm going to try to incorporate this into my ttc regimen. I should have a long time ago. It's just so freaking hard!!!
My biggest problem: sugar. I crave it day and night like a drug addict. And really, that's what it has become, an addiction. I honestly don't eat a whole lot of regular food, my meals are modest and I usually get full pretty fast. But when it comes to sweets, I will eat them like crazy. And I don't know how to stop! Now, I DO NOT sit around all day stuffing candy bars and twinkies in my face. I don't even keep things like that in my house at all. I'm more of a sweet tea, pie for desert, cereal before bed type person. I can manage myself ok for most of the day (except for lunch when I will have a Dr. Pepper) but at night, that's when it gets ugly. We may have a modest supper, lean meat, veggie and a starch. But I usually have sweet tea (more than one glass) and crave some sort of sweet after dinner. Which always leads to sugary cereal before bed. It's become a habit, and a very very bad one! I have no idea how to get off of the sugar craving roller coaster and I know that it's affecting my ability to conceive. If anyone has any pointers, please leave me some comments! I'm desperate guys!
As for the research I did, it was all the usual "eat whole grains, colorful veggies, stay away from caffeine, nuts, healthy oils, etc.". So I know what I'm supposed to eat, how do I get my body to like those things? While I don't eat a whole lot in general, comfort foods are what we cook around my house. I'm southern and grew up on mammaw's spaghetti and cornbread, beef stew, porkchops with rice and gravy, that kind of thing. Which aren't so great in the "low carb" and "low calorie" department. I do eat veggies like spinach, peas, squash, etc. But not nearly enough of them. There are just alot of veggies that I can't stomach. Especially all the fancy veggies that I can't even pronounce that I see on TV every day when there's a cooking show on preparing some gourmet meal. Well, guess I will just have to eat more of the ones I do like.
So here's to healthier eating and some exercise. I'm going to try to incorporate this into my ttc regimen. I should have a long time ago. It's just so freaking hard!!!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Another unmedicated cycle..
So we made the decision to take another month off from meds. Is it a wise decision? I don't know yet but I know that paying $275 for crinone (alternate to prochieve which was discontinued) will not guarantee a baby. The main reason being- k will not be home the week ff says I will ovulate. But of course I've only said that a million times lately! It's really hard right now for us. We don't see any way to make o sooner without throwing my cycle off completely by going on bc for a month which could put us back at square one w all my hormone issues so that's a risk we don't wanna take until we have to. We will see how this cycle goes. I may or may not ovulate on my own. I might try the vitex chaste berry just to have something working on my ovaries.
So that's where we're at. If I can come up with the money next month we'll try the prochieve but I think that's the extent of how far I will go with treatments. I know an IUI will probably be very expensive and who knows if the timing will ever work out. So we're sort of a special case in this ttc journey. We're doing all we can but the scheduling just won't seem to work. All I can really do now is pray my hubby's rig moves back to this state sometime in the near future. Then we might be cookin with fire but until then, we're just spinning our wheels.
So that's where we're at. If I can come up with the money next month we'll try the prochieve but I think that's the extent of how far I will go with treatments. I know an IUI will probably be very expensive and who knows if the timing will ever work out. So we're sort of a special case in this ttc journey. We're doing all we can but the scheduling just won't seem to work. All I can really do now is pray my hubby's rig moves back to this state sometime in the near future. Then we might be cookin with fire but until then, we're just spinning our wheels.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
AF is here...
Yep! Knew she would show up can't say I was surprised or even that disappointed really. I'm becoming indifferent..it's obvious I won't ever ovulate soon enough to catch the egg so I am actually considering giving up. My plan to ovulate early while taking a clomid break obviously backfired so according to FF I would start today and O will fall the week Dh is gone. Once again...for the 7th month in a row. How does that happen? I mean with a regular 28 day cycle it seems at some point it would come back around. But noo every month is different, no 2 cycles are ever the same. Just love my insane body and my husbands crazy work schedule. So that's where I am. I have no idea what to do now. No clue. What's the point of taking more clomid, paying $300 for procheive, and stressing out over the days waiting for O when I know without a doubt it won't happen while he's home. I'm totally lost right now...
Friday, July 6, 2012
13 dpo..BFN
Don't know why I would expect any different. I really didn't but there's always that tiny voice that says "just maybe..". Oh I hate this over and over let down every month, it's always so hard! And yet I still keep thinking "maybe I'm testing too early, maybe I'm a day off or something" but every time I do that, I know that there really isn't a chance. I'm beginning to wonder if it's not just me. Maybe his swimmers aren't ok even though he has fathered 4 children. Maybe his job in the oil/gas drilling industry has exposed him to massive amounts of chemicals and they have all been killed off? I don't know but I really pray that's not true. So our next step is getting a semen analysis. We were putting it off to see if we didn't have to go that route (getting the collection is not going to be easy.. due to our beliefs masturbation is not an option). Plus it costs $110 just to get the analysis done on top of all the other $ we're shelling out for blood tests and whatnot.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? SOOO very TIRED! Why can't it just happen like it does for all those folks that aren't even trying or don't even want a baby? Is it because I want it so much? Is it because I'm being impatient and God's teaching me a lesson? I don't know but I don't want to keep going through this. I'm at the point where if it doesn't happen soon, I will HAVE to go back on my arthritis meds because I can barely walk and I do NOT want to do that. That will end our ttc journey, if not permanently at least temporarily and all I've done to get to where I am: I am ovulating, I have actual cycles that start and end in a somewhat normal fashion, I've spent I don't know how much on clomid and herbal supplements and bloodwork. All that will be for naught if I have to go back on those meds. It's SOOO frustrating!!
Sorry to vent...it's just one of those days and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I have to stop, it's just not easy!
Have I mentioned how tired I am? SOOO very TIRED! Why can't it just happen like it does for all those folks that aren't even trying or don't even want a baby? Is it because I want it so much? Is it because I'm being impatient and God's teaching me a lesson? I don't know but I don't want to keep going through this. I'm at the point where if it doesn't happen soon, I will HAVE to go back on my arthritis meds because I can barely walk and I do NOT want to do that. That will end our ttc journey, if not permanently at least temporarily and all I've done to get to where I am: I am ovulating, I have actual cycles that start and end in a somewhat normal fashion, I've spent I don't know how much on clomid and herbal supplements and bloodwork. All that will be for naught if I have to go back on those meds. It's SOOO frustrating!!
Sorry to vent...it's just one of those days and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I have to stop, it's just not easy!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Looking back..hope
So I created this blog mostly just to keep track of my journey through TTC and pregnancy and to be able to look back on where I've been. Looking back at earlier posts in the last 3 months, I find my posts to be almost silly! I symptom spotted to such a degree that every time I was so sure my miracle had happened. At this point, all I can do is laugh at myself! This journey has definitely made me realize how wrapped up we get, how completely consumed we are with trying to conceive a life. It's maddening really! Now, I find symptom spotting has become utterly useless since all pre-af symptoms resemble pregnancy symptoms anyway. Last month, the day before af showed up, I had to pee every 30 minutes. And of course I thought that was weird but I didn't even get my hopes up. Sure enough, she showed up the next day with a vengeance! This month.. almost no symptoms at all. Cramping here and there but nothing significant. Nausea here and there but I'm on Metformin so nausea is my constant companion anyway. So I've resigned yet again to not get my hopes up. I think the saying goes "hope for the best but expect the worst". That's where I am. I still have hope, I won't give up hope. God tells us that He is our hope so that is where I must place it. Hope in Him and hope that His plan is just around the corner and greater than my own. But I also know he could tell me no. That's something I struggle with. I don't want it to be no. But I don't know my future and what He holds for it so I have to trust that He knows better than I do because of course He does! He's never failed me before and despite the trials I've been through, my life is pretty great.
So here's to hope! And an assurance that no matter the outcome, God is faithful and we will be blessed. :-)
So here's to hope! And an assurance that no matter the outcome, God is faithful and we will be blessed. :-)
Monday, July 2, 2012
8 dpo - camping, drama, symptoms
Here I am yet again in the 2ww and ready for it to be over! One way or another! I have almost no symptoms, temps are high w/a dip yesterday (Implantation? probably wishful thinking) and the days are just dragging on. Went camping over the weekend with my family and my aunt & uncle which was pretty nice. It would have been much nicer if my husband's ever needy ex-wife had not decided to ream him out on Friday and basically call him a deadbeat dad (if you knew the things we do for that woman and those kids, you would know that deadbeat is not possible) and that put a damper on things for me. Now I'm doing everything I can for this woman who seems to take advantage of us at every opportunity she can just to appease her for a while. I don't need drama. My brain cannot handle drama anymore. I thought we were through with the psychotic version of her 6 years ago! We've even been friends, or so I thought. Well hard times for her and her husband being put in jail for punching his teenage daughter have left her alone and having to work like normal people and pay for daycare like everyone else and pay rent and everything else just like we all have to do. And she doesn't like it. So we're the easiest to beat on and place blame on. Give me a break. AHHHHH, sorry for the rant! It's been one long weekend and I still have the headache.
So, trying to symptom spot has gotten me nowhere this 2ww. The only out of the ordinary stuff I have going on is I've been really hot and having lots of hot flashes but I've also started using progesterone cream so that may be the reason for that. No breast pain whatsoever. Except for the muscle pain under my armpits from falling in the river yesterday and having to drag myself back onto the dock. That was pretty funny but not very fun at the time! I have a headache like nobody's business that I went to bed with last night and woke up with this morning. Nearly zero cramping. Some creamy cm over the weekend but it's gone back to being sticky. Ummm what else...guess that's it. I've heard some folks say they had no symptoms in the 2ww when they got their bfp so I'm hoping against hope that is the case for me. I won't test until at least 12dpo so the next four days will be torture lol.
Did I mention that I've downloaded one of those pregnancy apps that tells you where your baby is at every stage? Yep, I know I'm weird but I like pretending that I really do have a little blastocyst in there with cells rapidly dividing and avoiding tuna and caffeine as if I have a reason to. I do it every month and am disappointed every month when I have to reset the due date to what it will be if I catch the egg next month. But oh well, it's something to do to pass the time and dream.
Hope you all are having a happy 4th of July week. It's gonna be a long one here!
So, trying to symptom spot has gotten me nowhere this 2ww. The only out of the ordinary stuff I have going on is I've been really hot and having lots of hot flashes but I've also started using progesterone cream so that may be the reason for that. No breast pain whatsoever. Except for the muscle pain under my armpits from falling in the river yesterday and having to drag myself back onto the dock. That was pretty funny but not very fun at the time! I have a headache like nobody's business that I went to bed with last night and woke up with this morning. Nearly zero cramping. Some creamy cm over the weekend but it's gone back to being sticky. Ummm what else...guess that's it. I've heard some folks say they had no symptoms in the 2ww when they got their bfp so I'm hoping against hope that is the case for me. I won't test until at least 12dpo so the next four days will be torture lol.
Did I mention that I've downloaded one of those pregnancy apps that tells you where your baby is at every stage? Yep, I know I'm weird but I like pretending that I really do have a little blastocyst in there with cells rapidly dividing and avoiding tuna and caffeine as if I have a reason to. I do it every month and am disappointed every month when I have to reset the due date to what it will be if I catch the egg next month. But oh well, it's something to do to pass the time and dream.
Hope you all are having a happy 4th of July week. It's gonna be a long one here!
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