Friday, July 6, 2012

13 dpo..BFN

Don't know why I would expect any different. I really didn't but there's always that tiny voice that says "just maybe..". Oh I hate this over and over let down every month, it's always so hard! And yet I still keep thinking "maybe I'm testing too early, maybe I'm a day off or something" but every time I do that, I know that there really isn't a chance. I'm beginning to wonder if it's not just me. Maybe his swimmers aren't ok even though he has fathered 4 children. Maybe his job in the oil/gas drilling industry has exposed him to massive amounts of chemicals and they have all been killed off? I don't know but I really pray that's not true. So our next step is getting a semen analysis. We were putting it off to see if we didn't have to go that route (getting the collection is not going to be easy.. due to our beliefs masturbation is not an option). Plus it costs $110 just to get the analysis done on top of all the other $ we're shelling out for blood tests and whatnot.

Have I mentioned how tired I am? SOOO very TIRED! Why can't it just happen like it does for all those folks that aren't even trying or don't even want a baby? Is it because I want it so much? Is it because I'm being impatient and God's teaching me a lesson? I don't know but I don't want to keep going through this. I'm at the point  where if it doesn't happen soon, I will HAVE to go back on my arthritis meds because I can barely walk and I do NOT want to do that. That will end our ttc journey, if not permanently at least temporarily and all I've done to get to where I am: I am ovulating, I have actual cycles that start and end in a somewhat normal fashion, I've spent I don't know how much on clomid and herbal supplements and bloodwork. All that will be for naught if I have to go back on those meds. It's SOOO frustrating!!

Sorry to's just one of those days and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I have to stop, it's just not easy!

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