Well today is 3 dpo (I really hope!) according to Fertility Friend. This O was a bit strange because last month I never actually got a +opk but I attributed that to not testing regularly or twice a day. This time, I got +opk's for 2 days straight. BUT, on the second day, my temp shot up and I had tons of O pain. I hurt so bad just moving and every time I sat down it felt like my ovaries were being smashed (swollen maybe?). So I'm wondering if you can ovulate while the surge is still occuring? Or would the pain be post-O? I dunno. Then yesterday, some slight cramping but nothing like the day before. And my temps have stayed up since then so FF says I O'd on Saturday which would mean we bd the day before (hubby left for work Fri) but was it enough? It's so hard to bd the day he leaves because it's always when he goes back for the night shift and has to leave that Friday morning so we have to bd in the morning which is not easy for either of us. We're not in the mood, we're tired, we're cranky. Just doesn't bode well for successful bd'ing. Oh well, we shall see. If not, at least next month we are one day closer to ovulating while he's still home. Last month I O'd on the Monday after he left, this time was Saturday, very good! (If FF is right).
I'm in the middle of a big debate with myself. Last night before bed I read a scripture about when the Isrealites were in the wilderness complaining to God that they were tired of eating the manna, they wanted meat. So because of their groaning and complaining, God said ok, you want meat? You'll get meat. And tons of it. So much that it will make you sick. And that's what happened. So am I like them? Groaning and complaining and praying for a baby when I should be thankful for what God's already given me? What if He does the same with me? What if I get pregnant and then realize, oh why did I pray for this? Not that it wouldn't be a blessing. It would be a huge blessing! But with my body being the way it is, autoimmune disorder and a back and SI joints that are completely trashed, will it be too much for me to handle physically? I have 4 stepchildren. Will having one more in the house when they are over prove to be too much and push me into a nervous breakdown? See what I'm saying? You've heard the saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it". I'm very afraid of feeling that way once I get what I've been praying for. Unless He says "no" and it doesn't happen. That will be hard to take too. Before we were told we needed to start trying now and not later, I wasn't that worried about having another. For years I've said "we've got too many as it is!" and didn't want another. But the minute I was told I might not get the chance, boy you better believe my biological clock kicked in gear! From that point on, all we've done is pray and try and pray and try and beg and plead and we stay disappointed over and over again. Now, I'm thinking maybe I just need to let go. Maybe God's waiting for me to just let it be and let Him decide what happens. So that's what I'm going to try to do. Stop obsessing, stop crying, stop getting angry, stop begging. Leave it in His hands and hope that if He chooses to bless us with another child, He will get me through the pregnancy. I know that sometimes God makes us wait for something for a very good reason. It may just be that if I had gotten what I wanted right away, something terrible would have happened. I have to believe there is a reason we are in this struggle. Maybe that reason is to draw us closer to Him and strengthen our trust in Him instead of putting all our faith in ourselves that we can make it happen on our own.